I lied about not being afraid. Not on purpose, because I truly wasn’t afraid to leave everything behind and embark on this journey. I’m laying in a hammock- realizing I planned to have a home, physical possessions, royalties, a new life to return to and won’t have any of it. At least I have this moment this beautiful azure lagoon.
In the pursuit of finishing my first book, my life’s mission- to help others’ know their worth and that we are all miracles- I lost focus of a few things- financially and otherwise.
Was it worth it all? I have said that it was, but now, it’s too soon to tell. Likes don’t translate to $, or birds and books, a message of hope- in hand.
The start of 2019 finds me starting again, from scratch in some ways. For those who have started again & again- we restart- smarter, more focused & with new goals to achieve.
Or am I just a Brand New Person making the same old mistakes?
I put my all of my eggs in one basket, and the realization that it may have been for nought looms very real. I have a couple eggs left. I have more than that, honestly. For those of us who have all 5 senses- that is a blessing. We have a bed to sleep on, at least for tonight. There is no war on our front doorstep- in a literal sense. Those who reading this post probably have much more going for you than not.
It would be easier, in some ways, to throw in the towel. To call it quits. To say my life is forfeit. That would undo all the work I’ve done. The message of strength and self-acceptance after leaving religious and societal teachings would ring hollow. The egoic, fear-based nature I’ve shed so much of finds itself creeping back when faced with the realization that I may have failed.
Writing is what motivates me and enflames my passions, but have I sacrificed it all in vain?
What if only a handful read this book, or my next one? What if nobody cares? Am I just re-lighting candles that are already lit?
The temptation to remain paralyzed in fear, regret, shame is illusory but is always an option. I’ve lived that way before, for years at times. Living like this would be worse than anything else that has happened. It would make me feel more incomplete than any misstep and mistake that has been taken.
Or- I can swallow my pride, take care of business, and start again.
This whole journey was made in the hopes of fulfilling a purpose I felt called, pushed towards. The life I was living was fine, but it was no longer serving me. Why did I have to want more? Was it brave or foolish to wreck it all? What if none of this works out? Did I waste and frivolously invest my time, life’s savings, & passions? Perhaps I did. Maybe this was all in vain. I cannot change any of that now. What’s done is done, now “onto the next one,” as Dave Grohl famously admonished.
We must start where we are at. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Start smarter, not harder, is the best way forward. Still, this feels more like a backtrack. A retracing of steps and an unsureness of the next ones.
Our mindsets dictate our present and what we do in our present realities dictates our futures. For better or worse.
Fear is an opinion based on current circumstances, and does nothing to serve our futures. Even when it’s nebulous. Even when we feel our lives are pulling us apart, fear blocks all that is good and all we have been working towards. So, like the possessions, the city, the career, the relationships I have let go of or vice versa, like the Fetters I have broken, I loose the fear and let it go.
The afternoon sun is shining behind the swiftly passing clouds. The sun and wind at one in an ancient dance, evaporating the clouds in the sky. I shine a light into the shadows of my mind, into the places I feel fear, people and circumstances who have failed me, my own inattention to important details, and they start fading away.
All of the things we have or haven’t done and the judgment we place upon ourselves all exist in the mind. We live in the present, and we can observe our surroundings and find gratitude or condemnation. Our thoughts are not realities in the physical world.
Nature does not judge us. Nature is an aspect of a higher planetary connectedness of ecosystems. We are part of this Earth. Humans have their own interconnected ecosystems called societies, and in those places each one of us plays a part.
We all have a role, a piece to offer in this cosmic jigsaw melting-pot.
But I’m not really sure what that looks like for me, anymore.
After some quiet introspection, days/weeks of reflection- I’m letting go of the fear and guilt. This moment is all we really have. We get to choose what we think and what we do with this time. I’m not sure what is ahead but ahead is all we have. I choose to follow what serves me and what serves the greater whole. And if I messed up that’s okay. We get the choice to start again or stay the course, for life or things that are of death. Today is the first day of 2019.
I am choosing to start renewed again, hopefully for the better and not for worse. A brand new person with brand new mistakes, brand new adventures, relationships, opportunities to create and discover.