The past two weeks have been incredible and jam-packed. I didn’t intend to wait so long to post part two of the last chapter I’m posting, but this has allowed my words, courage, and heart to spread out a little farther. I am very thankful, still in awe, and feeling buoyant because of my friends, family members, and followers who see my vision and keep supporting me. I truly mean this. Tears keep welling in my eyes every time I think about y’all’s love and support to me. I couldn’t have laid everything out on the line without those who are with me.
The perception of homosexual men as being weak is part of the Western patriarchy’s obsession with abhorring (whoring) anything of a feminine nature.
The whole Western world is both afraid of its own dick but aware of only part of its power- which America sticks anywhere it wants- other countries, our bedrooms, our thoughts, our hearts.
Meditation, poetry, and art appear to not mean much to those operating and perpetuating the patriarchal agenda. I think this is because most of these individuals have drowned out their own programming and do not let the inner-Self guide them. They have squawky Fox News anchors and slick-rich Pastors, people telling you absolutes based upon who they-think-God-is to do the guiding for them.
If you’ve ever wondered why Yahweh sounds like a scared angry dad sometimes just look at who wrote the damn book. People wandering in a desert, trying to do the best they could to survive, and provide for their families and loved ones.
People who externalized their misfortune by blaming other neighboring cultures, and used God’s divine will to cull, slaughter, and take over the spaces occupied by their now-cut-down and eliminated enemies. This shit is still happening now. Israel, get your shit together and come to peace with Palestine.
Honestly, that sentiment is one of the main messages of this book. Look in the shadow places, shatter your heart and mind open, and synthesize yourself into realizing and accepting the broader wide unity of all living beings, in this Universe.
Thriving is not a foreign policy. The true intention of all things is to live and exhibit their full potential in harmonious symbiosis of one another. It’s not that resources are scarce. It is that the competition to own and hog resources that cause resources to appear and sometimes become scarce. Part of the collective American psyche is still out there trying to arm-wrestle every guy at that bar. Keep it in your well-endowed insecurity-ridden pants, America.
The war against women is more than a battle of the sexes. It’s a battle against the Earth itself. Gaia- the archetypal cosmic-female-mother. Man got kicked out of Eden and has been mad at her ever since.
It is funny that sometimes we act towards the exact nature of what we are attempting to obtain.
Say for instance, someone doesn’t let you in while you’re driving in traffic and you knew they weren’t going to let you in because they’re driving a Ford F250 with truck nuts swaying in the wind. And they don’t let you in so you get mad at them even though you knew what the outcome would be. It is self-fulfilling prophecy.
We can justify any type of behavior with hindsight vision and often do. If we expect people to act a certain way they often will. If I see the good in someone else and try to reach them in that place they will meet me there. We are asking for grace from people who do not give it to their own selves. Grace is not something to be waited around to given by others- be it on the highway or on a cross.
I have gotten mad at friends, lovers, family members for something I know they would have flipped their shit if I had done. That unbalanced grace is usually the fuel that lit my fire even angrier. We can’t Kumbaya our way through everything. I have come to realize that even though I was right to be upset, my observation in the lack of grace extended to me by someone else- I was also holding her, him, them, outside of grace. I wanted grace then but they didn’t give it to me so I won’t give it to them now.
Communication is key in every relationship on Earth. From human to animal to plant life to our very cells. Every wave of energy pulsing outwards is either a request, an answer, appreciation or condemnation. Above all it is a mutual conversation. We are in dialogue with everything in and around us.
Damnation is so damaging to the person condemning more so than the condemned for they have often closed themselves off to their inner self in that moment. I cannot be pissed off and feel love towards most anything including myself in that moment. We can’t give from others things we don’t have already.
You will not gain acceptance from someone until you accept yourself- and you still may never get that from another but it won’t matter anymore. We’re looking for love in all the wrong places because we are taught that it is all outside of us.
That’s just one piece of the puzzle. Love is in everything we do and are. If we think someone else is holding our joy in our hands then we have already given it away. We are so much better than we know.
We must have grace for ourselves. Our perceptions and attitudes towards life shape our experiences. People on the same sidewalk or bar, community, or concentration camp, are all interpreting their experiences in different ways. I choose to focus on the beauty and goodness of life because abundance is self-evident regardless of my opinion. My inner scales fell off when I saw the inherent goodness inside of myself and began believing that person would show up more often. I think that he is.
In relationship terms I’ve been single for two years, but the reality is I’d been alone my whole life. Fuck, there’s that maudlin woe is me sentimentality that first world problems contend with. And this is my quandary with that aspect of modern day society. Like love is a luxury. It’s something that Nicholas Sparks gets to make millions of dollars of and we all pigeonhole anything feminine into a formulaic.
The whole machismo patriarchal Yahweh fuckless goddamn Gomorrah mentality is just another attempt to stick their dicks in anything they feel inherent right to. What if the whole yin and yang battle is not two powers duking it out to win the great Abrahamic cosmic dick pissing contest with God. What if it’s not heaven and hell oppositions. What if it’s consciousness playfully expanding with itself into greater perfection?
There is a void left for those of us who have renounced our childhood faiths. We, who have been lied to about all of creation, left the dusty religions to fold upon their own bloated opulence. Don’t listen to me either, you are to discover and live your own true life.
The years of bitterness towards anything appearing quasi-spiritual is more than understandable. It is a respite away from tyranny. I fucking gave my life and pledged my “soul” to a god who doesn’t even exist in the classically/Abrahamically conceived religions.
There is no greater betrayal to discover you hated yourself based on misinterpreted half-truths by people who said they spoke for God. I found true salvation when I acquiesced the portion Jesus had set a part for me. And now, on the otherside of the bitter years, I can see the beauty in the message. I see the world in its entirety, as a miracle.
* * * * *
Life’s Labors’ Lost-
In the wane of twilight
When thoughts spread out more broadly,
Stars streak paths in blackened sky
Up there nothing seems ungodly.
Surely it was being said
With Christ upon the cross,
For love is wed to dying
As garments drawn to moths,
Are we ever our’s alone
Before our bones and body;
And to whom do we belong again
When flesh grows worn and tawdry?
For we are more than silver
smelt from wicks of sinful dross,
“Were sacrificial Lambs and Sons
worth labors God has lost?”
It was through Feminist theology, I came to see the appeal of Jesus in a fairer sense. I was getting bogged down in the semantics of god-hood.
I can now view Jesus as a virtuous social-justice warrior and champion of love and hope. A god wrapped in the symbolic form of the hero’s journey.
So often friends and people in my generation in various states of belief or disbelief in “God” don’t delve deeper into spirituality once they leave the trenches of Christianity behind them.
Perhaps they are tired of looking for an answer that can’t be answered.
I was tired of finding something real in religious offerings just another mask to pull off. I already have acres of wool-eyed-baggage from the last guy I believed died for me.
There is something so condescending within a lot of Christian prayer circles. If prayers were answered as often as their quiet judgment, everyone would be living their best lives now.
I’m going to say something to all of the Christians who are praying for me or for people who they believe need help- Fuck you. Fuck You for your judgment. Fuck You for not asking anyone if they want prayer. Fuck You for praying for God’s judgment. Fuck you for teaching children they are unworthy or not good. How dare you superimpose your belief system on a delicious fried chicken sandwich? Every time I eat Chik-Fil-A I bless myself with a big old helping of gay porn and masturbation afterwards. #Broteinbeforeprotein.
I think this is the most farcical thing about religion. I remember we went on these mission trips to Central America and we would build the indigenous people a church and then learn these terribly outdated and embarrassing skits to go perform in villages. I would love to see a group of mission trippers come down my street and try to do this shit. And the reason they won’t do that is because nobody would come.
If “God” really wanted us to know this secret important message that will affect your life for eternity then it would be encoded in our DNA.
You’re gonna tell me that God wants me to know that I’m a sinner and going to hell unless I believe I’m a sinner, plead for forgiveness, and I’m going to find this out by some church kids (half of them who are definitely going to be gay) doing some skits? Go fuck yourself. That’s what we would say.
You know what I think your eternity is? Religion is a collective of people suffering from generational self-replicating Stockholm Syndromes.
The artifice of religion seems so apparent now. Humanity has been fucking brainwashed for forever. We are breaking down the structures that have held us collectively hostage.
I don’t want your blessed day blessing. That’s just something to secretly make yourself feel good about. If you get in a wreck it’s not my problem anymore I told you to have a blessed day!
You don’t get to be an armseat champion of humanity because you prayed or gave a tithe. Televangelist Titheing is the biggest fucking scam in the world!! Dammit my dad was right about that kind of tithing. You have to get into the trenches to affect real change.
Alice and the Looking Glass
Mine eyes were watching,
A life on the sidelines.
Girls with back tatts shooting booze down sulied throats
In a bar of fat cats and disgusting reprobate.
And there I was-
surveying the pummeled and weary souls.
Knowing that it wasn’t by fate I’d been flung
into this gross misendeavour
of sagging tits and lolling tongues.
We’d all given up on something.
Women, men, and god have all betrayed our wandering hearts.
Whiskey is a faithful partner
(A compatriot to the blues)
To the rudimentary mundane that we spew each day
To keep ourselves maintained
Because we couldn’t really live with ourselves
If we knew how we were being quarantined.
Business and Law
Repetition and Complicity…
THESE are the real sins
The maxims we are taught to live for.
So we hang ourselves in the basements we were given by our fathers
Because we can’t perpetuate the generational illusion of prosperity and perfection-
The Faulted forgone loans every manicured lawn in America is made up of nowadays.
We wrestle not against flesh and blood
But against fat, filth, and greed.
And bad comb overs, and stock decisions.
An entire industry of pretense and fraud!
Harold and maude
Struck it right.
An absurd love affair-
Has a real fucking fight than
Any other atom in this cosmos.
The universe is neutral to the plight of life
And yet we exist.
This grand a concept is lost on the daily.
On the frailing, ailing, able conscious bodied man
Gassed and frazzled.
Conveniently lumped into some looney’s wet dream.
But the forgotten Will
by Mccain and his tyranny
The grand old party- that GOP,
God fearing folk!
Blindfolded, Hoodwinked, and brainwashed
Not knowing they’re bearing the bulk.
That they hang their heads- that they sulk
That the opulent few
Have had the masses kneeling in pews for
For eons and thousands of contrived assassinations
Black shadow conversations!
Truth has been contrived
Told that it was crucified
Born to have died
All in an eternal battle…
for the love of god…
The lies, the facts,
Everything we lack,
Shall not be repealed in fleeting pronouncements of glory!
Of circumstance and pomp.
I used to live off a street called Ponce.
Where the homeless found their homes
And I ignored their cries.
Easier to cast them off to the other passer byes.
Societal misfits begging for change
How hypocritical for me to ask the same-
a flawed system,
skewed in my myopic eyes-
A caster of stones.
yet the stones of those
that came before
seem to bury us with mad reprose.
by pledging that
is what the common needs!”
Free power was killed along with tesla.
the great minds of this world always meet their end
by the bastards profiting off the dividend.
Is the sacred of the elite.
Hording their gold, houses, and whores
Hawing and moaning to god in hopes
That their sovereignties have enough balls to endure their eventual collapse
Ha- The prostate can only shoot blanks for so long
Until the whole Lance scheme collapses and its pearl necklace
Adorning your neck,
A fleeting glory of impotence,
Of the cinderella’s lie we have all decided to believe,
Dries hardens and forgets
Plan b’s and goes to sleep.
The prince will never come for the keep
Sacrifice the shepherd and you have his sheep.
Alice and the looking glass
I saw your 9/11 lies in the reflection of the working class.
The good people of this world and the next will never get their due-
Mostly because this world hardly exists to them- and the next is promised to so few.
* * * * *
I was an agnostic for a long time after leaving Christianity and I never expected to have any remotely spiritual practice again. Then meditation changed my entire life and I slowly began to understand and feel the Oneness of the Universe.
I don’t understand why it is so difficult for some in my family or other people to still be dealing with my “identity” at 33 years old. Maybe they need to grieve the identity they knew me as or grieve for how they wanted things to go for my life. Or maybe it challenges their worldview/religious beliefs.
I know intentionally their concern probably comes from a good place but this is my life to live and my experiences are valid. You don’t have to grieve an image of who you wanted me to be- I am so happy and confident with who I am and where I’m at in life.
I wouldn’t change a thing about me- except being late all the time. And I hope you’re happy too. At the end of the day/gay their hang-ups are not my responsibility. And my hang-ups aren’t our responsibility to deal with either.
I strive to love everyone openly and without condition (super incredibly hard sometimes) and without judgment. No one need ever apologize for who they innately are (unless you’re a serial killer or clown.)
I sat long enough in the discomfort of being pissed and frustrated by Christianity and Christians- especially when I KNEW I was justified in my thoughts and sentiments. But I got tired of being angry at false belief systems. My perspective began changing when I dealt with my own issues regarding religion.
Meditation also ended up playing a huge factor in that process though I did not realize it at the time. A weight was lifted when I forgave and released my attachment and attention upon my negative thoughts and feelings re: Christianity. Man, how weird is it that some of us have had to forgive entire religions?
I wholeheartedly believe that we attract what we put out there. I am most often hopeful and optimistic. It is tough sometimes because it doesn’t always seem that this positivity is reflected back. And then I have to check myself and remember that we cannot look to anyone else or anything else as our source of joy or wellbeing- that must always come from within first. Okay enough being preachy lol.
I refuse to fall into the common human denominator of being a pessimistic cunt. I would rather die in a state of positive thoughts and deeds than live in the reality of a cynical miser.
Life is too short and brilliant and fun to spend being mad or upset at things we can’t change about ourselves or each other. I need to remember this too.
When did we stop believing we were worthy? I’ve dimmed my own light for fear of shining too brightly. That’s like telling a star that a pinprick of glowing light is enough. The night sky is strewn in brilliance of millions of lights. The natural order of the Universe is to expand brightly forward the expansion of all species is filled with trillions of fractals.
Trillions of fractals of light imbued through billions of species. It’s in the vast expansion of stars that anything looks beautiful. I’m going pulsar. No red dwarf death for me. I’m the northern lights. We are Galadrial, morning star.
The underdogs victory so moves us because that is all of our stories
Sometimes we kiss a frog hoping he’ll turn into a prince. Bitch, ain’t no man changing because of your kiss or love. You are a bad ass beautiful queen. If frogs are flocking to you- then do some introspection and believe in your worth and beauty. The princes will always come. Don’t settle for less than who you are or who you deserve just because you don’t see it coming right now.
You are worth waiting on yourself to fully embrace and believe in the strength and life love and amazingness that is you. We cannot look to outside forces to make this so. Once you begin to validate and affirm yourself, you’ll start being kinder to yourself and see your inner strength and lean on that instead of another.
We are often guilted into believing that we owe people things or must conform to someone else’s expectation- and a lot of it comes from a well-meaning place- familial expectations, religious obligations, etc.
There is merit and honor in keeping your word and your promises to others- however make sure that they’re promises you want to keep. Ensure that the choices you make are honoring who you really are. You know what that feels like. If you’re reading this right and are feeling conflicted that’s okay- flesh it out and sort out why you’re feeling this way. The answers will come.
So often we’re the ones supplying our own drought by believing we are unworthy. You cannot look to an external condition to change you- that is just a temporary fix. And it’s perfectly wonderful to seek solace or relief from anything that brings you joy- just know that true joy and strength are found within- and if you can’t find that in this moment that’s okay!
Give yourself a break and the grace to feel how you do and find one thing that makes you happy in this moment. We build momentum in our lives by whatever we choose to focus on.
If you can find one thing right now in this moment to be thankful for. It can be anything. It can be air. It can be a pizza slice. It can be a memory. It can be something you’ve seen in a movie. When we feel a lack we’re not looking at the full picture. Hope and well-being abound everywhere.
When the underdog whens/wins it speaks to something eternal inside of us. It speaks to our primeval one celled past. That each one of us begins as a single cell is a miracle. Why are we so blind to see that the clues to who we are and our purpose are all around us. We are at this moment the culmination of a collective billion year chain of evolutionary progress.
We were all born as a single cell and became the miracles of life. And when we pass away we transcend into the cosmic Oneness again. The grand unified theory is true reality. We are slowly pulling back the veil of consciousness.
I’m starting to truly see that it is this world that is the illusion. It’s this inner knowing. It is through love that one finds all things are achieved. Matters not our present position in life. Love exists everywhere and is only absent in our finite perception. The fact that we can perceive our existence seems more of a mercy than a curse. And there are years I thought god was a cruel master. Until I was broken down enough to build myself back in the realization that everything and everyone is part of this divine oneness. It was in my separation that I found wholeness.
The stars spread out like veins
secretly keeping the universe alive and together
Diamond light sinewed through the black expanse of space
Beams of hope
We wouldn’t even know they were there without the darkness
The light of one star 90 million miles away shines for an entire solar system
And we take it for granted.
Maybe it takes the pulling away of the light
For light to matter for it be of value
Sunlight is free, for now.
We didn’t value water until it was bottled.
Luckily the things the essentials of life are being tended to by stars millions away from us.
* * * * *
I will no longer be a subconsciously complicit accomplice towards securing my own defeat or any of my brothers and sisters in the human race.
Like a Prayer-
You look at me
and at once
all the open secrets begin speaking.
That long waiting in our hearts
became a sacred temple
when I saw the outline of your form
Like two travelers
spread out on
I am here! I am here you cry
the sails of my soul
Fly to meet you there
And fall at your feet
I lay prostrate in your wonder.
I am the disciple
to this love you witness.
Only trees of plenty
abound in our gardens.
We plant them together